i'm already a sellout, and i haven't sold a thing

I realized something last night that made me feel like a HORRIBLE PERSON. Or at least a HORRIBLE WRITER.

I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, at approximately 2:30 a.m. because sometimes I'm an insomniac, and I was thinking about this new story idea that I've been tossing around lately and thinking I might try to write it for JaNoWriMo. This particular story idea involves using classic stories, which is all good cause of this thing called public domain and the fact that whoever wrote 1001 Nights has definitely been dead longer than 100 years. But then I thought, "Well, crap, are the movie rights to The Wizard of Oz and Peter Pan and all that copyrighted right now? Could they not put any of that in the movie?"

...that's right. I was worried about whether or not Hollywood could produce a movie of the novel I haven't even written because it included Toto and Tinkerbell. Nevermind that the chances of getting your book made into a movie are basically zilch (if that were my goal in life, I would need to call this blog negative eighty percent possibility, which really doesn't have as nice a ring to it). Nevermind that, I say again, THIS BOOK HAS NOT BEEN WRITTEN, much less accepted by a publishing company to even become a BOOK at all.

I am so lame. *headdesk*

But on the plus side, I had a great conversation via text message today with my best friend when the fire alarm went off in my dorm again:

Me: Out in the parking lot for the fourth time this quarter cause of the fire alarm.

Aimee: Hahahaha. That sucks.
(Editor's Note: Why yes, she's a wonderfully sympathetic friend.)

Me: If someone burned bacon for the third time…

Aimee: Hahaha. You guys need help with the bacon.

Me: Seriously. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES that burnt bacon would set off the fire alarm twice in two months?
(True story. Half of our fire alarms have been caused by burnt bacon. Sometimes real life is weird that way.)

Aimee: Well… People do love bacon…

Me: So they should be extra vigilant so they don’t burn it and waste it.

Aimee: Haha. Maybe their parents own the bacon kingdom and they have as much bacon as they need.

Me: Damn monarchs and their bacon monopoly. They’re jacking up prices for the rest of us. And raising spawn who don’t properly revere bacon and think they can just BURN IT whenever they want.

Aimee: Psh, rich kids. What can you do?

Me: Marry ‘em and control the bacon franchise from the inside. Or win their share in the family business from them in a poker game.

Aimee: Both possible, but I hear bacon princes are jerks. And then you wouldn’t be able to marry Bus Boy. Can you play poker?
(Bus Boy is the love of my life, who rides the bus that I take to campus. I have never spoken to him. I don't know his name. It's destiny.)

Me: Maybe I’ll get a second to win the bacon kingdom in my name. You know, like in a medieval duel.

Aimee: Hmm. Unless your swordplay has improved since I left that might be difficult. Bacon princes are expert sword players. Now, if there is a bacon princess you could kidnap her and demand they name the kingdom after you or you will feed her turkey bacon.
(Sidenote: Bacon princes are also expert harmonica players.)

Me: Hey, yeah, I didn’t even consider the possibility that the heir to the bacon fortune is a girl. Why the heck is a girl burning bacon? WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THAT.

Aimee: Maybe she is an evil princess that is burning bacon on purpose because she hates it and her family.

Me: Good call. Cause why else would a freakin’ princess of BACON be at [my vegan-friendly, hug-a-tree school]? Our DC serves tofu every day, but I have NEVER ONCE seen them serve bacon. Which could be because I’ve gone to breakfast exactly once. But who says bacon is only for breakfast?

Aimee: If it makes you feel better I’ve never seen bacon at [her school] and I go to breakfast sometimes. It would make sense that a bacon princess who hates bacon would go there and eat tofu every day.

Me: …bacon didn’t start the fire. For the record, We Didn’t Start the Fire, either. It was a steak. And you know something? I’m even more offended by a college student who cooks a STEAK in the DORM than I am by that stupid bacon princess.