i am a writer

I am a writer. I am a terribly unstable creature. These sentences are synonymous.

One minute, I will ramble to you for twenty minutes about this awesome story idea that I just got, that will totally rock the world and everyone in it. I will laugh at my own jokes with wild abandon, and reread my own manuscript over and over again to revel in the glow of my literary brilliance.

The next minute, I will rant to you for twenty minutes about how my story is the crappiest thing that was ever written, that doesn't deserve to exist in the world and should never see the light of day again. I will weep bitter tears over my keyboard with wild abandon, and reread my own manuscript over and over again while repeated banging my head against something hard to attempt to forget my literary failure.

Though there may be writers in this world who write for their own pleasure and no one else's, I happen to be a writer who lets other people read my work. This is a no-win situation. If you read my story, you will probably point out things that don't work. If you call to my attention something that I already know is an epic fail, I will pound my head against the wall a few more times, because I have certainly already agonized over the same passages countless times and haven't found any way to improve them. If you point out something that I didn't know was a problem, I will become depressed and/or defensive, and either convince myself that there's nothing good at all about the story or that you don't know anything about writing and I should ignore your advice. Though neither of these practices is particularly helpful or polite, I am a writer. It's what we do.

If you say that you like what I've written, I will be bound and determined not to believe you. You're probably just saying that because it's what you're supposed to say, the same way that parents are supposed to tell their kids that they're attractive and friends are supposed to tell you that the giant zit on your face is hardly even noticeable.

When a writer gives you their manuscript, they are giving you a part of their soul. This is very overdramatic, but writers tend to be that way. Our stories are our babies, coaxed out of our brains bit by agonizing and wonderful bit, arranged just so, worked on late into the night. Every ounce of it is our own, and though we may decide to share it with the world, we are predisposed to believe that no one else can understand and love it the way we do. If you don't understand and love it the way we do, we will want to bash our heads against the wall.

I find it amazing that there are writers in the world who are brave enough to publish their work. I find it amazing that I hope to be one of those writers. I also find it simultaneously stupid, foolish, frightening and impossible. Yes, I can feel all of these things at once. I am a writer.